So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
