nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
