this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
