So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
