hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
