I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
