I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
