Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
