I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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