my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
