K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
