The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Even my vagina gasped.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
