here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
