My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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