Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
