Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
