Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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