you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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