I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
