Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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