I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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