I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
