Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
