Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I touched a dick in church today
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
