Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
