The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
