When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
