why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
