hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
