I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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