Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
