I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
