I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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