may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
