I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
