He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
