And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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