I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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