help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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