brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
