My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
