OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
