I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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