He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
