Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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