I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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