I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
