I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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