why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
