i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
