girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
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Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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