I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
