Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
