a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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