I can tuck mytits in my pants
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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