I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
