I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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