Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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