Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
